I wonder if I sometimes feel an attachment to different disorders and what not else is because I need to know how it feels so I can better help them. Not like I have it or I need to have it all of my life to be empathic and help them, like a counselor, but to just get a taste of what it feels like and help them to know that it's ok for them to be this way, for now.

Learning from the past

Ok, so I moved back home to Iowa, living with my parents now, was looking through all my junk last night, and I found this journal entry - yes, I was reading them - and I wanted to share it with all of you because it touched me so and I thought, 'This will be perfect for my blog!' So here it is.

Make Life An Adventure
July 14, 2007 Saturday

It's pretty cool how a movie can just grab you, touch you in so many ways, inspire you to do something more with/in your life, or let you know you're never too old to be young and free and full of imagination. I don't usually cry in a lot of movies, but I did cry, a lot, in the one we just finished watching: Bridge to Terabithia; one of the best movies. It reminds you to "keep your mind wide open, all the possibilities." A few hours ago, the things that were on my mind and the things that I thought mattered to me, don't anymore. I kind of think this is God's way of bringing my mind back in the game. The reason why I'm here. The reason why we're all here: To return to our Father in Heaven. Destination: God's Kingdom. We never know when we're going to go and this earth, this temporary home, has so much to to offer. So many tings to see, places to go, people to meet. We should all look at life as a a grand adventure. Life isn't all that dull that we make it out to be . If we could see the world differently, not taking everything so serious or so literal, life would be grand. Only you can make you're life suck. Only you can believe in yourself and do the impossible. Make life an adventure. Dot he impossible. Be free. Be you.

I really want one of these.

Yikes!

Much has happen and I would love to write a huge entry, but I am at the library and it closes in 3 minutes, so I won't be able to. Sorry :(

Life has been quite interesting, but I am learning to love it and understand that when we take a few steps into the darkness(though it may feel like a lifetime) the Lord truly does bless and He will show us the light that is oh! so beautiful; more than we could possibly imagine.

Well, I must go now, but hopefully I will be on here again very soon and updating my blog more often.

Love to you all,
Megan aka Pepper (Ann)

Life is good Xo)

Garnish

In Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 we read,

"Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. "

"... and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly..."

What does 'garnish' really mean anyways?

Dictionary.com says,

gar·nish

–verb (used with object)

1. to provide or supply with something ornamental; adorn; decorate.

2. to provide (a food) with something that adds flavor, decorative color, etc.: to garnish boiled potatoes with chopped parsley.

This got me to thinking: what does garnish mean with food? So I found this cool article on about.com entitled How to Make a Watermelon Basket Party Decoration-Step by Step Recipe. I was looking at it and more pondering than reading the article.

My thoughts are not complete, but I want to post what I have thus far. I will finish my thoughts hopefully today; it's just that I need to eat lunch and get off the computer.

The Mad Hatter's Tea Party

Finding both Hope and Courage from a Wise Friend

This was a response to one of my weekly letters to my mission president. I liked it so much that I wanted to post it up here for everyone to read because it is SO true!!! He was speaking to me, but it IS for everyone. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do:

It's always been interesting to me how the hard things we are asked to do by the Lord bring about the greatest growth in us. Learning how to work through those moments develops us in remarkable ways. It seems that you are learning that lesson too.
You are doing great. Don't be hard on yourself. I know the Lord loves you and is pleased with your effort. Keep working at it. -Presidente Dunaway

Tender Mercies from the Lord

The other day I was chilling online - like always - and I found this on facebook as an ad. I read it and for the first time in my life, instead of feeling woe is me, I got really happy and excited and wanted to really make a difference in my life and overcome this depression.

My Bad Habits of Eating aka Me Not Eating

So, I guess I really am sick. I'm hot with my sweatshirt on and cold without it on. For breakfast I had 1 salt water taffy and a tootsie roll pop-yeah, I know, super healthy. There is no food of mine in the house and I have to go up to the Crossroads to eat and that requires me getting dressed and looking nice. Ha! What am I to do. You wouldn't think that "eating" everyday is a big deal. But for me, it is. One of my sisters put some money on my I-card, aka "Dining Dollars," on the condition that I would eat there twice a day. She asked me, "Will it be a problem for you?" I thought to myself, 'no way, this will be easy.' Little did I know how difficult eating is for me. At first I just thought it was because of money issues, mainly, me not having any. But then I began to realize that NO! this is a real issue for me. I have a bad habit of NOT EATING!!! AAGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do to get over it. If people are with me when I'm eating, like, if I'm not doing this thing solo, then I do pretty well. Like twice, in the past few weeks all ready, I've asked a bunch of my friends if they want to get lunch at the Crossroads-that's the only place where I actually have money to spend for eating-and both times it has worked well. Yesterday, one of my friend's even offered to walk up there with me-we live really close to each other-and that helped out A LOT. I think what I need is a buddy system. "No more flying solo!" "You need someone watching your back AT ALL TIMES!!!" Am I lazy? Is it a habit that I don't know how to stop or change? What is it? It just feels like a mountain for me to climb: getting dressed; presenting myself decent; walking up to the Crossroads; choosing WHAT to eat; walking back. Call me lazy, but I don't know; I just can't get myself to do it. I really don't know. Besides, having a buddy always helps. Just knowing that someone else KNOWS and wants to and WILL help always gets me motivated. But a lot of times, I just think to myself, 'well, if no one else is involved, I can just suck it up and not fret about it.' I guess I am a social eater then? Which is kind of weird because I don't always like eating around other people. Well, at least that's what it used to be like. It obviously has changed, Megan. Maybe because I've done this for so long, not eating on a regular basis, that now it's just easier for me to not eat instead of taking care of myself. It may seem really easy to others, they might think or say, "Just eat Megan!" But it's not that simple; unfortunately so. "Nobody said it was easy." "No one ever said it would be this hard." Life is a lot deeper than we think. It's been about 5 years that I've had this not eating problem. And sometimes it's really and truly hard for me to even want to think about eating. Maybe it's a way for me to deal with my stress. Maybe, in life when there's not a lot that I can control, I want to be able to at least control something and so maybe psychologically I think that if I don't eat, then at least I'm controlling something in my life. I don't know, I really do not know. Or maybe it's just a stress issue. I am still clueless.

Possible Band Names:

• 3 Eggs and a Bowl of Cereal
• 
  

Keep Holding On

There are so many things going on inside of me. I feel like I can't write it all out so I don't, but it is eating my insides and I just really need to take the time to express myself. Perhaps, oh I don't know. It seems that when I have a really great-crazy-totally-being-myself day, the next one is like, I'm-tired-and-I-don't-want-to-be-around-people-or-really-do-anything kind of a day.

This s'mores pop tart is actually pretty tasty. The actual pop tart thingy is like a Graham cracker, and then it has marshmallow and chocolate inside. It is rather delicious : )

"Signore, resta qui con me, il giorno ormai fini'
la sera le ombre sue porto', la notte e' gia' qui
Tu l'ospite gradito sei, Ti prego di restar.
Signore, resta qui con me, che il giorno e' al tramontar;
Signore, resta qui con me, che il giorno e' al tramontar."

Can I cry on your shoulder? I think that I am completely healed and that I can do it all on my own, but I'm not quite there yet. I can do it and I can and will overcome this, but at this moment and time, I can't do it all by myself. I'm not strong enough; I need others to lean on. I want someone to lean on and I want someone else to be able to lean on me and not just one person, but many for both.

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

"Keep Holding On"

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

I'm going to make it through
~Megan~

Photos!!!!!!!!

Let's dance in the rain.....all night long

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

Butter Tarts

Butter Tart Recipe - Easy Butter Tart Recipe

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By Jane McLean, About.com Guide

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• butter tarts
• dessert recipes

Photo © S. McLean

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This butter tart recipe comes from Cindy Snetsinger in Brantford, Ontario, who got it from her grandmother. These butter tarts are runny - but not too runny - and delicious.

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Ingredients:

• PASTRY
• 2 cups flour
• 1 cup shortening
• teaspoon salt
• 1 egg
• 1 tablespoon vinegar
• 2 tablespoons cold water
• FILLING
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup corn syrup
• 1 tablespoon melted butter
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 cup raisins (optional, or can be replaced with chopped pecans or walnuts)

Preparation:

Pastry

Blend the shortening and the flour with a pastry cutter, or two knives, until you've created a uniform mixture that is crumbly and about the size of frozen peas.

In a separate bowl, mix 1 egg, 1 tbsp white vinegar and 2 tbsp cold water. Add to shortening and flour mixture.

Mix all ingredients together, but only until just mixed and no more.

The key to flaky pastry is not to overhandle the dough.

For ease of handling, make a ball of the dough, wrap in cellophane and place in freezer for 10-15 mins. Roll out dough onto floured surface to about the thickness of a CD case.
Using either a cookie cutter or something like a jar lid, cut out circles from the dough. Press dough circles into a muffin pan.

Filling

In another bowl, mix well corn syrup, brown sugar, melted butter and egg. Add vanilla and stir in raisins.

Spoon filling into pastry shell to just below the rim.

Bake at 400 for about 10 mins until golden brown.

Makes about a dozen tarts.

Beautiful Tall

I have been working on this paper for English class for about two weeks now. I turned it in this afternoon. Due to some unexpected circumstances and poor choices on my part, I feel that even though I turned it in for school, it is not yet finished. But I wanted to post it so whoever wanted to could read it. And besides, this is just what I do : )

Beautiful Tall

By S.T. Harriot

“…I bless you that as you seek happiness, you will find it. For only in seeking will you truly find it…”

Trenton Hooker—my good friend whom I met in the Missionary Training Center—was giving me a blessing on this dark, cold, and lonely night at BYU-I. I trusted him because of the experiences we had in those nine long weeks of ‘prison’. After he pronounced theses words I felt a wave of warmth flow through my whole body like a soft warm breeze on a hot summer night. What Trenton said reminded me of Narnia and what Aslan says, “For all find what they truly seek.” This sunk deep into my soul and something stirred within the depths of me; like God was cheering for me, ‘Megan you can do this! I’m here with you.’

Trenton’s hands came down on my shoulders—having finished the blessing—and rested them there for a minute. I stepped up and we embraced.

“If you need anything, let me know, ok?”

“Ok,” I replied, nodding my head.

We embraced again. It was as if Heavenly Father was telling me everything is going to be fine.

“Thanks.”

“I’ll see you later, ok? Bye”

“Bye,” I said in return as Trenton strolls out of the dorm.

It was on the mission that I discovered I struggle with depression. My companion Sister Booth and I were sitting on her bed talking. And then she said it.

“Sister DeVocht, I think you have depression. I think you should meet with President Dunaway.”

“Why do you say that?” I nervously asked.

“I’ve been praying for you.”

Even with knowing that I struggle with depression, I still couldn't help but feel these awful feelings. Guilt crept into my heart as I thought about the things I did not do yesterday: homework, go to the temple, use my time wisely. I felt like a bug and wanted desperately to crawl underneath a rock. I quickly slinked into the unused closet, wanting to hide away from the world and my life. In the darkness of my black hole, I wept, cut my fingernails, and texted my younger sister and best friend, Jenny.

My heart was aching, aching from the need of desperate healing; healing from years of rejection, neglect, hurt, and loneliness. I was in desperate need and no one even knew. My mind drifted back to Junior High, my own personal hell. Where did these horrible feelings come from?

“Mom, Mom! Guess what? I got an A on my history test! Look, Mom look,” I excitedly yell, as I run inside from getting off the school bus, with a huge smile on my face.

“Ok, that’s nice. Now Megan, clean up the kitchen! The missionaries will be here in less than an hour, and this house is a pig sty,” my mother yells back to me, without the same enthusiasm as me. I walk towards the kitchen with my head hanging low, lip quivering, and tears streaming down my face. I can’t help but feel that I am totally worthless and no matter what I do it’s never enough for anyone.

Puberty hits and no one wants to listen to a lone, quiet, annoying, and ‘technical’ soon-to-be teenager. I try to talk, telling my family about my school day—trying to make my pathetic life sound somewhat interesting, when in reality the best thing that happened was that I saw Chuck, this boy I had crush on—wishing and praying that someone will hear me. I start to speak, and nothing. Something else is more important than I am; my fragile and wispy voice gets drowned out by a foghorn. No one hears me. I make a second attempt. Yes! I said something; however, no one is saying anything. They must think that what I say is worth less than buzzing flies around an old mule. No one listens and no one cares. Going to bed that night—crying and feeling the dagger sinking deeper into my heart—I conclude that the world does not want to hear from me. I will do them a favor and not say a word.

A knock on the door brings me back to the present.

“Sierra, are you expecting anyone? Someone just knocked on the door,” my short-redheaded room-mate Jessi screams.

Silence…and then,

“Hi! Is Megan here?” My visiting teacher asks with bounciness and loads of energy in her voice.

“No, she’s not here right now,” Jessi replies, having no clue that I am actually in the house, listening to this whole conversation.

“Oh, well we brought her cookies for her birthday yesterday; they are really good. Maybe she’ll let you have one. Make sure she gets them, ok?”

“Yeah, ok. Thanks, bye.”

Door closes and I am silent as a mouse. Invisibility mantles around my body, cutting me off from this strange world I was thrown into. Reality hits and I realize that I can’t hide in the closet forever.

With sweaty hands, deep-heavy breaths, and my heart pounding like a drum at a high school’s rival championship football game, I finally find the courage in my Creator to stand up and saunter out of the closet, this virtual escape I had created for myself. Ok, breathe, Megan, just breathe.

Stepping out of the closet, I try to find something to make me feel better. I remember my loving Father in Heaven. I curl up in a corner and grab my miniature Book of Mormon. For the first time in a long time, instead of talking to someone else, I read from the sacred scriptures. I read from first Nephi, the words rippling off my tongue and tasting so sweet to me. Stillness sweeps over my wounded soul; Heavenly Father is with me. For just a moment in time, I am alive again.

My whole body is exhausted and I fall asleep, feeling warm, protected, and loved. Two hours later when I wake up, all I want to do is pray. I kneel down and pray with such fervor and a heart full of love that it seems that all my worries are melting away. I can’t help but smile and feel relieved.

I think that this may have been the first time I actually turned to the Lord and asked Him for help with my depression. It felt so good, whole, and right. It was like sweet victory in a hard fight. And the best thing is the Lord was with me, 100% of the way. I just had to accept Him in and let Him do the healing instead of trying helplessly to do it myself.

With God as my doctor and the scriptures as my medicine, I am ready to face my challenges; because I am putting my trust in God and that gives me hope to go on. I understand that the road will still be hard and there will be those days when I fall down, but with God by my side I know He will always be there to lift me up again.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." With God, all things are possible.

Fun Times at BYU-Idaho

The Latin Dance:

My List

These are the things that are helping me with depression:

1. Reading the scriptures (Book of Mormon)
2. Praying everyday
   
3. Alone time
4. Listening to music
5. Thinking positive thoughts about myself (there is a difference between a mistake and a sin and a choice.
6. Socializing (putting myself out there)
7. Exercise (not always at the gym)
8. Writing out my feelings
9. Believing in myself
10. Being my crazy banana-brain self
11. Reading other spiritual materials
12. Laughter
13. Sleep (short naps throughout the day as needed and not feeling guilty about it)

This is a living and growing list.

Learning about The Declaration

I found this on one of my friend's facebook the other day. I emailed it to my American foundations teacher and he liked it. It's really awesome because it's been stuck in my head all day and last night. So, I think that if we were to focus our energy and money and time on writing songs with useful information, our society would be a lot better. : )

Megan is back!

Well, I realize that I haven't written on here for quite some time. I do not feel lost anymore, but at the moment I feel extremely hungry. But I am doing loads better. I'm not sure exactly what happened. I suppose many things have contributed to this 'found' Megan. I am seeing a counselor, once a week and that is great. I'm trying harder to work on my homework, which doesn't always work. I think I need to be constantly reminded for my reason here at BYU-ID. I think what I am enjoying the most is the social life. I never learned any social skills when I was younger, like at that crucial age to learn social skills. On the mission, I learned some social skills, but I was a missionary, so it wasn't the same but it totally helped me out so, so , so much. And now that I am here, at BYU-ID, with so many LDS young adults, the real me, the inside and out me is like wild horses - running free in the soft sunlight in the meadows.

Searching for My Outlet

I've been learning and realizing a lot of things lately. One is my passion for photography. The outside was so beautiful this morning that I took a lot of pictures. Then I was looking at some of my other pictures on this blog and I got all happy inside and remembered something that was lost. Photography is a way for me to express myself. And as I take pictures, I feel whole, complete.

Lost

Hello one and all. So I have been in Idaho, going to school at BYU-ID for the past few weeks. Time is flying by so fast.
Oh please help me. I feel depressed. And I don't want to do hardly anything that I used to like to do. Like reading and studying my scriptures and praying, and hanging out with friends and having fun. I wonder if I am still suffering from the loss of the mission. Maybe I'm seeing that I lost a part of myself. I felt really great on the mission. And I know it's because I was obedient to the rules and commandments required as a missionary. But also I served people every day and I had to push myself; BUT I also had someone right by my side: my 24/7 constant companion. Even though sometimes I really just wanted to be alone or I didn't want to look at their face or I just wanted to get away from them, there are great advantages. 1. You learn to stand up for yourself. 2. You learn to be aware of other people's feelings. 3. You learn to speak up when something is bothering you or if something needs to be addressed. 4. You ALWAYS have someone with you. You get to learn more about each other and you learn to give more. My joy as a missionary came when God's sons and daughters were taking steps and changing. Whether they be non-members, active members, less active members, missionaries, anyone. I miss the mission so much. I grew so comfortable in it, now don't get me wrong, it was still nerve wracking to talk to someone, or I still got nervous and awkward, but I grew comfortable in that kind of social environment. And now I must a learn a new and different kind of social skill. I must learn it because I missed out on in when I was growing up, when I was a teenager. I'm not blaming God or anyone for that, but sometimes I do feel left out. I really miss myself. Who is this girl that says she is Megan DeVocht?

from the mind of ?????? - who knows?

P.S. If you find Megan please help her find me. She truly is missed.

I've been in the Orem/Provo area for the past two weeks and it has been pretty crazy. There have been so many emotions and feelings going on inside of me that I do not know what to do with myself. It's also been hard because I currently am homeless and I have been living out of my suitcases, not that that's bad, but there is so much junk in the house that it is suffocating me. Seriously. I used to be a pack rat but now I loathe junk and stuff. I have been losing things and I am always forgetting EVERYTHING!!! I even lost my missionary tag - the one I wore from day 1 in the MTC to the day that I was released by my stake president in Iowa. It's weird because it doesn't really bother me but maybe it will once I leave tomorrow for school. I don't know how to be, what to do, what to say. I am excited that I am leaving for school tomorrow with Dad. And my friend Trenton will be up there too and it will be so great to see a familiar face and a good friend. It will be nice to breathe and smell the fresh air and to just be me, Megan. I want to cry to get out all these emotions and feelings. I did cry a little bit last night and then I had my first good night's rest. And I haven't been eating that well. I haven't been eating fruits and vegetables. I haven't been studying or reading the scriptures or praying and all of this is starting to catch up on me and is affecting me. I feel really great when I am with Sade. She is my buddy. I love her so much and I will miss her so much when I go to school but it will be all right.

For the past few hours I have been listening to music and editing my play list for this very blog. Music really helps me. Helps me express myself, sort out my feelings, to really, feel these feelings. It's hard to explain.

What if you couldn't feel? What do all these feelings mean? Can you imagine if you couldn't feel sad, happy, angry, sorrowful, cheery? What do you do with yourself?