So, I guess I really am sick. I'm hot with my sweatshirt on and cold without it on. For breakfast I had 1 salt water taffy and a tootsie roll pop-yeah, I know, super healthy. There is no food of mine in the house and I have to go up to the Crossroads to eat and that requires me getting dressed and looking nice. Ha! What am I to do. You wouldn't think that "eating" everyday is a big deal. But for me, it is. One of my sisters put some money on my I-card, aka "Dining Dollars," on the condition that I would eat there twice a day. She asked me, "Will it be a problem for you?" I thought to myself, 'no way, this will be easy.' Little did I know how difficult eating is for me. At first I just thought it was because of money issues, mainly, me not having any. But then I began to realize that NO! this is a real issue for me. I have a bad habit of NOT EATING!!! AAGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do to get over it. If people are with me when I'm eating, like, if I'm not doing this thing solo, then I do pretty well. Like twice, in the past few weeks all ready, I've asked a bunch of my friends if they want to get lunch at the Crossroads-that's the only place where I actually have money to spend for eating-and both times it has worked well. Yesterday, one of my friend's even offered to walk up there with me-we live really close to each other-and that helped out A LOT. I think what I need is a buddy system. "No more flying solo!" "You need someone watching your back AT ALL TIMES!!!" Am I lazy? Is it a habit that I don't know how to stop or change? What is it? It just feels like a mountain for me to climb: getting dressed; presenting myself decent; walking up to the Crossroads; choosing WHAT to eat; walking back. Call me lazy, but I don't know; I just can't get myself to do it. I really don't know. Besides, having a buddy always helps. Just knowing that someone else KNOWS and wants to and WILL help always gets me motivated. But a lot of times, I just think to myself, 'well, if no one else is involved, I can just suck it up and not fret about it.' I guess I am a social eater then? Which is kind of weird because I don't always like eating around other people. Well, at least that's what it used to be like. It obviously has changed, Megan. Maybe because I've done this for so long, not eating on a regular basis, that now it's just easier for me to not eat instead of taking care of myself. It may seem really easy to others, they might think or say, "Just eat Megan!" But it's not that simple; unfortunately so. "Nobody said it was easy." "No one ever said it would be this hard." Life is a lot deeper than we think. It's been about 5 years that I've had this not eating problem. And sometimes it's really and truly hard for me to even want to think about eating. Maybe it's a way for me to deal with my stress. Maybe, in life when there's not a lot that I can control, I want to be able to at least control something and so maybe psychologically I think that if I don't eat, then at least I'm controlling
something in my life. I don't know, I really do not know. Or maybe it's just a stress issue. I am still clueless.
