I woke up and it was all a dream...

Ok, so yesterday I woke up from this madness nightmare I was living in. It took watching a true story on animal planet, where this guy was swimming in a lake and was attacked by an alligator and he was fighting for his life in the water. Meanwhile, his friends called an ambulance and a helicopter was flying in for him. In the end, he lost part of his left arm. He said something that really hit me: You can't see yourself with limitations. He uses a fake arm and he can still do everything he did before the alligator attack. That really got me thinking. He was fighting for his LIFE. I suffer from depression and it's just probably as bad as I make it out to be. Meaning, I am the one in control and I am the one who decides if I am depressed or not. I think that I have been using depression like a crutch. God gave me wings to fly, not to crouch low and hide behind my old, ragged, smelly, gray, soft blanket of depression that is smothering me. I don't like it, but it's comfortable and familiar. It's scary to push it away and take a RISK and FLY. But that's exactly what I need to do and must do.

Hey, yesterday I just had a bad day.

from the mind of mEgAn

I'm screaming out loud for help but....

Yesterday I was feeling really low and depressed. I didn't do much yesterday and I beat myself up for that. Most of the day, I sat on the bathroom floor, with the stereo on the toilet, listening to music while I 'clipped' more like butchered my toenails. When Dad came home we ate dinner and then I had the energy and motivation to start packing for school. After awhile I got distracted looking at some books that I had brought up from downstairs. I started doing some other nervous/anxiety habits. I started feeling down again. I wanted to cry. I texted Emily and expressed some of my feelings.

I'm nervous. I'm a little depressed. My facebook status says: I'm screaming out loud for help but no one can hear me. Maybe I'll write a song.

It seems like lately I've been having lots of pity parties. I'm up then down. Up then down. Over and over again. I beat myself up. I try to seek help but every one is too busy to hear me cry, to see the blood that is flowing so freely from the wounds that I have made, to hold me close and just BE and LOVE. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Why can't people understand that I need help? I'm screaming out loud for help but no one can hear me.

It seems like poetry is flowing so easily from my lips

Distorted Images

Yesterday I was feeling really low and depressed. I didn't do much yesterday and I beat myself up for that. Most of the day, I sat on the bathroom floor, with the stereo on the toilet, listening to music while I 'clipped' more like butchered my toenails. When Dad came home we ate dinner and then I had the energy and motivation to start packing for school. After awhile I got distracted looking at some books that I had brought up from downstairs. I started doing some other nervous/anxiety habits. I started feeling down again. I wanted to cry. I texted Emily and expressed some of my feelings. My words were like poetry of a depressed soul. She called me and we talked for nearly two hours. Adam and Jenny also helped me out a lot. I cried on the phone and they listened. They are so great. Then we laughed and by the time I hung up (laying in bed, about to fall asleep) I was feeling much, much, much better. In our two-hour conversation, Emily mentioned about service dogs for people with depression. I really liked what she said. So this morning, I got on line and did some basic research. Just thinking about it makes me feel happy and excited and motivated. I found this awesome website. Check it out here. I really hope that I can do this. Wish me luck!

Thoughts and Ideas from the mAnIaC mInD of mEgAn

Reality check - I think?

NOW my music is working. I wanted to listen to it ALL day but something was wack and it wasn't working. And now it is but I am going downstairs to watch my movie. What a tragic life - and there are people dying in Africa. I ought to be grateful. I am. I am grateful for this beautiful music that I have, to listen to and to enjoy. I love everything about life. I love God.

A bit of Megan tonight

I just finished my FASFA application. That is a relief! I am also biting my fingernails and emailing missionary friends in Italy, and wasting time on stupid facebook - curse that web page! - wanting to go downstairs to work on some stuff while I watch "Return to Me." I wish I could watch LOTR, but we do not have it. This isn't much of a blog entry, but that's ok.

Until next time this is,

Thoughts from the MiNd of mEgAn