Be Who YOU Are

Wow what a morning!  On my day off I sleep in only one hour, but that is fine by me.  I studied so much this morning - all sorts of different topics, but mostly numerology.  I studied for about two hours and when I went downstairs to get some breakfast I discovered that I had SO MUCH ENERGY!!!  I feel so intellectual today.

I'm also working on a project - well, I don't know if you could call it a project, but it's something I'm working on to improve in my life.  I realized recently that this current obstacle I am working on has been a crutch, for such a long time.  And in many ways it's been a crutch for other areas of my life that has no need for it.

Any who, I feel so invigorated this day because I'm doing my best today to be my utmost self.  I'm being MEGAN through and through - even if others don't always like it.

It's been comforting to me to hear what my friends are saying about me recently.  Don't worry, they're saying these things to my face.  And I enjoy it because I realize that this is what makes me me and it's what my friends find so attracting in me.

Some of the things they've been saying about me:

You're such a dork and that's why we love you Megan!
You're a nerd
You're a dork and we love you for it

As I type these "out loud"  I am aware that some may think that these are not compliments, but instead insults.  I can assure that they are not the latter.  I know this because I am a dork. Ha ha.  And I love it.  It's okay, I'll be the obnoxious friend but knows when to be serious and understanding.

Yon don't need to label yourself, but you also don't need to be afraid of who you truly are.  That's something that I am learning and as such I am learning to love and accept myself as I am, while working to better myself each and every day.

Writer's Block

This too, was written a few months ago.

writing - where are you? why do i feel blocked like this? why can i not write the feelings of my heart and mind? what is blocking me? Why am I blocking myself/holding myself back???

the Lord has a plan for me. I may not always be able to see how doing something is going to help me or others, but along the journey, the Lord is merciful to reveal this beautiful news to me.

The Lord's way really is the only way to true happiness.

The Thinker

   I wrote this a few months ago and read it and thought, I need to post this.

   The Thinker.  This is how I am a lot, yet people continue to think that I am sad or have fallen back into depression or that I'm becoming a recluse.  Often times I only need a few hours of socializing for me to feel satisfied.  I love people and I have definitely grown a lot and the mission definitely helped me out too.  But due to a certain job loss, I have become burn out with people.  Not friends or family, but anyone else not on my list.  I need time to recharge and refuel myself and I do that best when I am uninterrupted in my bedroom with the Internet, books, movies, journals, music and more to help me along the way (not in that particular order).
   Today I have been very pensive and I absolutely love it.  I am also learning about myself and accepting that I am more introverted than I thought, or rather more introverted than I let myself believe, believing others that being introverted is something that one must overcome, like a lingering disease.  I am learning that it is okay to be introverted, that the world very much needs introverted people to help progress the world.  And to say I must overcome these 'weaknesses' is to say that I must get rid of those obnoxious hands, they really do get in the way of so much.
  Are you saying that I must change who I am because you don't know how to behave around me?  I also think it interesting that extroverts have so much to say about introverts - how they are wrong and whatnot else - when introverts seem to keep to themselves and not put their nose in other people's lives or how they do things or why they do the things they do.

SEMPREFIDELIS

I have a dream; and I will do everything in my power to achieve it. Even if it means breaking down the walls I have built; breaking free from the prison I am trapped in; letting go of the past; facing my fears; leaving others behind, knowing that they too have dreams to pursue; trusting to fall because I know I can fly; taking a chance, not knowing if I will fail or succeed; daring to love, and to be loved; believing in myself more than the world around me; and always knowing that whatever happens, God is my constant and my life is in His loving and infinite hands.

Sempre fidelis

Sono grata per il potere di Dio. Sono grata per l'amicizia dei libri - specialmente i caratteri - mi aiutano mediante i momenti difficili. Sono grata per il potere delle parole e per questo momento di tempo - per vivere e stare. Sono cosi' benedetta adesso. Mi sento questo senso di determinazione, una comprensione di ciò che devo fare. Non conosco tutta della mia vita, cos'e' il mio futuro, ma nessuno altro lo sa anche. E se dicono diversamente, penso che stiano facendo finta. Ma credo che e ho la speranza che seguendo questo sogno vado nella direzione giusta per la mia vita. Non so come so questo; forse e' nel mio cuore, che sempre sa.

Grazie mille per tutto, per tutto il aiuto. Ti ringrazio tantissimo. Grazie, grazie, grazie!

The Wrong Help

Sometimes I feel like people are trying to pacify me, with a pacifier, when I'm actually throwing up.  But they don't see it. They literally do not see it.  And then they get mad at me for refusing to take the pacifier when it really isn't helping at all, in fact, it's making it worse.  You don't help people when you're not helping them.  When someone is throwing up, you don't give them something that will keep it in.  You help them throw up, you help them get that yucky stuff out of them, you get a towel, or a bowl, or take them to a toilet.  You rub their back, get them some tea, wash their face.  It's not pretty and it's not fun, but it's helping.  Pacifiers are quick and easy and take little to no effort on your part.  But when someone is throwing up, that takes patience, endurance, love, empathy, sacrifice, kindness, determination.  If you can't help, don't try to help at all, it may make it worse.

I am not talking about service here, I am and I'm not.  I'm talking about when someone is in a real problem, and they need the right help; if you can't give that right help, don't give the wrong help.   When someone is throwing up, don't give them a pacifier.

“You should date a girl who reads” - by Rosemarie Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

I've never done this before: shared something that someone else has written on my blog. I mean, I share small quotes, but nothing like this.  Anyways, I saw this on a site that my friend has posted and I like it so much I wanted to share it on here.   And yes, I was smiling so much as I read it, thinking, that's me, that's me!  Thank you Rosemarie for writing this beautiful piece.  

Adieu!

Messing Up

   You can't be afraid to mess up.  Messing up is part of this life, hey, it's what we as humans do best.  But seriously, being afraid to mess up is like being afraid to live - to take chances; to not be in control of everything or anything.  It's going down a path that you may not be sure what's at the end, but what also is in the middle.  We're always going to be messing up, from someone's perspective.  The point is, to not worry about it or be afraid.
 
   If you 'mess up', forgive yourself, forgive anyone else you may have affected.  And if you see that person again (which may require a mirror) than forgive and forget.  Realize that at the moment you 'messed up' you really did want it and for a moment you were someone else - good or bad - it doesn't matter.

   Live life to the fullest - whatever that means for you.  Whether working in a library or at McDonald's, or at a hospital.  You know what makes you happy; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Regret is not being able to learn from life.  Even if that means it takes you 20 years to learn several lessons and you did some bad stuff, aka sins, it's okay.  Tests are first.  Lessons after, in this mortal life.
 
   You don't have to carry that weight around with you.  You can let it go and move on.  Seriously, no grudges, no revenge, just love.  Love may mean you keep your distance from that person (though it may be difficult if that person is you).  Don't allow your past to haunt you and rob you of the most important time of your life:  this moment.

some are the melody and some are the beat

music strings play across my mind, striking chords and calling my mind to attention.  drums keep the beat, tying all the harmony together into a tight bundle.  little fibers of love, joy, peace, understanding creep through my body, lighting it on fire and giving me courage to jump up and dance.  High notes beg my mouth to open and join in on the words.  My shoulders and arms have a mind of their own as they move to the rhythm, only stopping when the music does.  (Inspired by Demi Lovato's song, Give Your Heart a Break)

it calms my soul and gives peace to my troubled mind.  (Inspired by Joseph: A Nashville Tribute to the Prophet's song, The Rising)

I recently read that writing is a combination of art and science - so beautiful.

listening to music is like watching a show or reading a book - if you don't get it, I'm not going to explain it.  (Inspired by MGMT's song, Kids)

Stories From the Not-So-Far-Away Past

   This is something I wrote last year.  I thought I would be brave and post it on my blog, I guess it's a non-profit self-publishing thing, so that's what I'm going to do.  It's not entirely finished, but it's a start.

Leaving Rexburg

   My younger sister, whom I was staying with for a while until I figured things out, suggested I move home.  “But that’s easy,” I responded.  So what if it was?

   Patrick, the guy that was working with me (from Utah College of Massage Therapy) told me the same thing I thought: going home is easy.  But was it really?

   Once I made the decision to go home, with careful thought and meditation, everything came together.  I contacted my old boss at Subway in Iowa and she was thrilled to hire me yet again.  I got a cheap ride home –train and a free shuttle to Orem, Utah, where I would stay with my older brother, Neil, for a few days and then take the train home. 

   While I was staying at my sister’s, school started again, fall semester.  Everyone came back from summer break and moved in and went back to school.  A lot of my friends had come back and I made the effort to spend time with them before I left.  It was kind of bittersweet – spending time with my friends, yet knowing that in a week’s time, I would be 2000 miles away in Iowa.

   As I had nothing to do – well, I had nothing to do all summer  -  but having nothing to do while knowing that I would soon be leaving, I had a lot of time to think and contemplate about my life.

   I thought about how prideful I had been in the past few months; some of the stupid choices I had made; and how much I had taken Rexburg and everything about it for granted.  I was now realizing what I had and what I would soon be saying good-bye to for I didn't know how long.

   Just a few weeks ago I had come to the crossroads of my life:  I didn't know where to go or what to do.  In truth, I still don’t know one hundred per cent for sure what I need to do in this life, but I have a pretty good idea.

   Finish school.  No matter how long it takes, get it down.  Or, I guess I should say finish school at BYU-Idaho.  There are so many great people that go there and I have made so many great friends and how can I just write them off?  I cannot.

   This was the second time that I tried to get away from Rexburg, making it sound like God had other plans for me.  But I was wrong.  Twice.  I guess third time’s the charm, right?  We shall see to that.

   

Random Thoughts About What I Love Most: Writing and Words

   For about the past week, I've been spending most of my time watching this TV show I found online called, House of Anubis.  I watched all three season in one week.  Seeing as that I do not have a job at the moment and not a whole lot to do during any hours of the day, I didn't see it as a real problem.

   It wasn't really a 'problem' but it wasn't entirely good either.  I could have enjoyed it and spent some time doing other things.  Anyways, what am I saying, why am I saying this?  Er, I can't remember, rats!

   Oh!  I think I remember.  So, I've become a reclusive as my parents fear and need to get back in the swing of things.  Tonight, I was too lazy or whatever to write or read, so instead I watched a movie online, one that I had seen before.  But the interesting thing is watching that movie inspired me to write.  Ironic, isn't it?

   I told myself, 'I can't go to bed until I write on my blog.'  So here I am, following orders, from myself.

   Something else random:  On Saturday, I was feeling rather frustrated with some certain people in my life and one of my older sisters suggested that I write a letter and then give it to them.  I did write the letter, but I did not give the letter to them.  I noticed, however, that something changed inside of me, something real, biology, chemical, something, really changed and I felt so much better.  I also noticed that same feeling when I wrote a letter to two other friends and then actually mailed them off.

   It was like a feeling of wholeness and completion.  It was an interesting and interesting in a very good and positive manner.  Perhaps it is because I am a writer and I must do the best I can of expressing myself through the written word.

   Which is why I have decided to go back to school and study English, Creative Writing.  I understand, no, not really, I realize, sort of, that writers don't get paid a lot and a lot of writers don't get their work published (and get paid for it) but it still is a part of me that I can't and that I don't want to let go.  As my other older sister described, being a writer is a lifestyle.

   Writers and I see the world differently.  I see stories wherever I go; I watch and observe people, both in film and literature and in my daily waking life.  I read up on stuff because I want to know more, I want to learn more.

   Words and songs get stuck in my head for any measure of time and it's almost like it's consuming me, or rather, I am internalizing it, making it a part of myself; taking something from someone else's mind and heart and making it my own.  And it's not just words and songs, it's books and movies and TV shows; pretty much anything that relays communication.

   I love writing and I love words.  That is something that I have discovered in recent years, that I love words.  I think that I have loved words for a long time, but didn't come to realize in until recently.  (I know, I totally just said the same thing twice but in two different ways; but hey this is just a blog, not a best-selling novel in New York).

   When I took Latin in college, that's when I realized how much I love words and that English is just like music, both are languages.  For me, it's easier to describe how letters are like notes and going in that direction versus the other way.

   I am grateful for people who inspire me to do what I love and to be who I truly am.  Thank you (directly and indirectly).

   That's another reason why I think I enjoy quotations so much:  they are a quick, few, simple yet profound words that can change the life of a human being - that is pretty powerful, and maybe even a little intimidating.

This post tonight is pretty random, but so am I, so it works.

Until next time and good night,
-Megan :)

P.S. Actually talking to people is beneficial in SO many ways and WAY better than virtual or social networking.  Eck, I always feel so empty after being online either all day or all day for many days.  Go out and talk to someone, they'll feel better, you'll feel better. That is all.

Closing A Chapter

   I wanted to make a 'public statement' if you will, about my sudden departure from the long-term position concerning sandwiches.  Yes, I have worked for a certain sub-making company for over two years; but not two years continuously, on and off whilst I was serving a mission and then going to school in another state.

   While making sandwiches is not my dream job, it was fun and I tried to make the most of it and enjoy the time I spent there, more or less a third of my day (a third of 24 hours, that is); as well as get to know my co-workers and the customers I served.

   I have learned so much from this institution - I don't know if I should call it that, but that's what I'm going to say - not just about how to best cut the bread, or how to make the meat and cheese look delectable on the bread, or how best to dress a sandwich, or the quickest method for wrapping a six-inch.  No, not even how to change the garbage in an orderly and efficient way, or the ins and outs for food prep and frozen stock.  I learned more than how to close this sandwich-making store, including the register, counting and bagging bread, cleaning the entire store, packing up and putting away the contents of the bain, sweeping and mopping, turning off that three thousand dollar turbochef tornado oven, taking the pop nozzles off (though that was hard at first, among almost everything). shutting the place down and locking doors, checking one last time that we were good to go.

   I learned more than just about how to run Subway - that's where my awesome sandwich-making skills come from; jealous, I know you are.

   I learned how to be on time and even early to work and everywhere else for that matter.  I learned how to work with others, even when we had such different perspectives and ideas of what things meant.  I learned how to focus on work and really enjoy it, even the not-so-envied tasks.

  I learned life skills and as always I saw how I can apply the simplest of things into my daily life.  In short, I learned so much, more than I can possibly write on this one night post.  And perhaps someday I will write a complete book of what I really learned at Subway; but until then, I just want to let you know what while it was a quick and unexpected departure, it was one that needed to be made, however cold and hurtful it may have seemed.  Those were not my intentions, but sometimes in life we just have to cut things out of our lives. And welcome them in too, but that's for another story :)

Love from,
Megan

Crossroads

The truth is, sometimes I'm a wishy washy person.  I don't know what my favorite movie is, I don't what my favorite candy is.  Then there are the bigger things, I don't know what I want to do with my life - specifically -  like if I want to go to school and if I do, what do I want to study.

Okay, so you're driving in a car, at night and you have your headlights on, but not your brights, just the regular kind.  And you can only see what, ten feet ahead of you at a time.  You may or may not know where you are going, but you trust that you will get to your destination, even while only being able to see ten feet ahead of you at time.  Okay, this is how I feel about my life.  Not just today or last week, but my whole life, all 26 years.  And there are other people that are driving in the day and can see for miles and then look at me and wonder why I don't have any plans for myself.  Well, the other part of the story is this: along my life journey, I stop at odd spots and smell the flowers, really smell them, and stop off at odd convenient shops and buy a ton of treats - mostly consisting of sugar - and enjoy the view for 10-15 minutes, and maybe even grab something to tape into my journal.

I guess what I'm saying is that my life is different than yours or anybody else's, so don't worry, I'll be okay.  I don't want a fancy car or a fancy house or be a billionaire; all I want is a little space for me to be me and just BE.  That's all I ask for.  And with that little space to be me and just be, I will invite others in, I will help others and be there for them.  I feel like I need to be available for others, in whatever that means to them.

It seems like I often have crossroads in my life - which road do I take?  Or do I make a new one entirely?  And sometimes I feel like I'm making no progress and I'm walking around in circles.  And then during my 'mid-life' crisis, haha not that bad, someone says something that makes sense and all is well and I am calm again.  (Not at that point yet)

Well, it's been great to get all this out, even if no one reads this.

Until next time,
Megan