Who We Are Really

Human beings are so interesting.  On the surface, or rather, on the outside appearance we seem to be just fine, all is in order.  But who we really are, our real life nightmares, our struggles, our dreams, our wishes, wants, and desires, we carry around with us, hoping to find a soul in whom we can trust and share our world with.  We try and many times we make poor judgments; we make mistakes that really hurt us.  But then there are times when we make the right choice, we find someone with whom we connect and we can open ourselves up and be vulnerable.  It's both scary and exciting.  It's such a sweet joy to be able to just be you, without holding back, without worrying what others are going to say about you, free to be you.

I absolutely love it when I find these people.  My world opens up.  I get to share me, Megan, with others and when I do, I always learn something about myself and accept more of who I truly am.

Who we see at work or school or church most likely aren't who they really are.  We hold back, because we don't want to get hurt.  And also, some people just don't care.  I'd rather open myself up to something and really connect and then lose that than baring my soul and the other person not even caring.  I guess it just kind of depends on what kind of pain you can handle.

I don't really know how people perceive me, but I do know myself and I can share some of that.

I often feel like I'm not good enough, that there are always others who can do it better or faster than me.  I feel like others have their lives not perfect, but pretty close.  I feel like I'm lost, I never know what to do with my life.  I've worked at a lot of going no where jobs.  I'm 30 years of age, but I feel like I'm somewhere in between 17-22.  I struggle with eating; and sometimes I feel like I'm being lazy or making it up because there are many times where I will look for food in the house, but I can't find anything and if I do, it's sweets; but if someone were to make it for me, I would eat it all up.  I have often felt like I'm a failure in life.  I didn't graduate from college, I don't have a career, I'm not married, I'm not even dating anyone; sometimes I feel like I'm not going anywhere, that I'm walking in circles.  Sometimes I feel so out of it, like everyone can see what a loser I am.

But, even with all of this, I strive to better myself and come closer to my Father in Heaven, my God and His Son, my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I forgive others, I love others, I return to God when I fall off the path.  I may not have it all together, but I do try to make a difference in this world.  I try to listen to what the  Holy Spirit whispers to me; I try to be there for others.
I am so grateful for this life, the good and the ugly.  I'm grateful for friends and unexpected friends who really help me out.  I'm really grateful for my current job; it may not be a glamorous one or whatever else, but it's home, it's family.

So even though it may seem that we're all fine, most of us are probably carrying some burdens and could use a warm smile, a genuine compliment, a listening ear, and especially understanding.  I believe that this world would be a little brighter if we just tried to understand one another a little bit more.

Thanks to anyone reading this, it helps to get all these crazy emotions out.

Lots of love,
Megan :)

Change

   Change is coming; it's all around us, but this time it's stronger, it's a combined effort to energetically change ourselves and the world.
   It's interesting: last summer I was making a lot of changes and overcoming some pretty tough obstacles in my life.  I was drawn to certain kinds of music and songs and I could feel my spirit and soul changing, or rather connecting, I was becoming more aware of everything.  Then I moved and I got caught up in the world and my obstacles again.  It's just now that I am actually getting back on track to where I was last summer and I am so happy that I get to get back on the path, that I'm choosing this for myself.
   Happiness lies in each one of us.  We don't need to go out looking for it, in work, in school, in love and relationships, in food, in fun things; all we ever need as individuals is inside, not outside.  All these other things are, what I like to call, bonuses.  They don't make me happy, but when I am already happy I sure do enjoy them and they definitely add to my life.

Be Courageous: Stand Up and Be Who You Really Are

   I am passionate about writing.  I love combining letters to express the mess of emotions of human life experiences.  In the past few years, I have been pushing away the things that I love, including writing, but I am working on rectifying that.
   I have been learning a lot more about myself as I allow myself to explore and feel; I guess, when I take down the masks and walls I have been wearing most of my life.  Just now I was reading an article with some cool quotes; these two resonated with me very well:  

"Be true to yourself, always.  Never be afraid of who you are."

And:

"You don't have to hide who you are."

   

   And one of my most favorite quotes by e.e. cummings: 

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

It's very interesting to me that these three quotes mean so much to me because I have struggled with what they preach.  I've held onto e.e. cummings' quote for many years now.  It was a little seed planted in my heart and little by little it gave me the courage to grow up and become who I really am.  Well, I don't believe I'm quite there yet, but I'm more there now than I was ten or 15 years ago.

   I also read in another article online to choose spiritual practices that resonate specifically with you.  Writing is a practice that opens up my heart.  Listening to inspiring and uplifting music helps invites my soul to wake up and come be apart of the human experience.  Certain music really, seriously helps me to be more creative, to find more descriptive words and imagery to better express me.

   It's in the quiet moments I give myself, where I can be me without any judgments or worries.  It's a time where I can truly love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be.

  As I accept who I am, my gifts, talents, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses, as I am true to who I am, as a spirit and a human being, I begin to understand my life, my life purpose and the great work I am doing to save mankind.  As I raise my vibrations I inadvertently invite others to do the same.  

   We are a great consciousness, united and connected together.  Several of us are waking up and realizing this and making better choices because of it.  Better choices are the ones I described previously: being true to who we are!

   I don't know about anyone else, but I can feel a change coming; I can feel a uniting force bringing us together, fortifying our strengths and leading us into a victorious battle!

   Lift up you arms, my friends!  And let us fight together!

   

Enjoy your little changes

We have good days and we have off days.  When we experience off days we need not be ashamed for what we are feeling or what we are not doing.  Every now and again we need a day to be a mess, to feel like crap, to hide away from the world. These days humble us.  They also remind us that we are humans - I think sometimes we forget.
For example; today I did not start off that well.  I ate homemade peanut butter cups and talked with my sister for an hour and a half.  I didn't eat much else the rest of the day.  While looking for a job as well as doing a million other things as usual, I started to feel anxiety.  I started listening to thunderstorm and rain tracks on youtube to help calm me down.  My sister reminded me I can't make excuses so I did my laundry.  Then I went from having anxiety to being depressed.  I drank a protein shake and actually sent my resume to some employers.  A few hours went by and I remembered it was our Ward Christmas activity tonight.  I got dressed, put on my black work shoes that sort of look like Chuck's, brushed my teeth, and worked on my hair.  Usually, I don't fuss too much about my crazy.  But tonight, I wanted to look good.  So I worked with my hair for awhile and didn't make it to the activity.  But that didn't stop me from feeling good about myself or being happy still.  I took pictures of myself and enjoyed being me.  The two things that made a huge different in how I felt about myself were the shoes and doing my hair.  The shoes look good - I just need to clean them.  And putting 50 (give or take) bobby pins in my hair really changed the way I look and the way I feel about myself.  The shoes.  That is the one that surprises me the most, yet also makes me the most happy.

A Flabbergast Mix of Nonsensical Ideas, Images, and Thoughts - Take Your Pick!

Sometimes I listen to music for entertainment purposes, sometimes for the lyrics or words or messages that are there; other times I have to listen to it for my soul and body.  Like right now, for some reason, I am feeling off and there are certain songs on my play list, including Christmas songs, in which I can literally feel the vibrations in my body.  Some songs are very helpful and others are just whatever, but not good enough for right now.  My literal heart, not figuratively, but my actual blood-pumping heart lets me know when a song just doesn't sit well with me and when it's the right song to listen to; or rather, which vibrations are needed in this moment of time.
Also the volume of the music is very crucial.  It has to be louder, with a heavy bass and a constant bass; a heavier song than light.  Meaning, not those airy hip-hop songs, but I guess music that has real feeling and depth in it.  Almost like the musician has literally - but figuratively at the same time - put their soul into the music.

I have experienced this many times:  when I'm having a particular stressful and hard day.  I've also noticed that I can and have had different types and varies of 'stressful and hard days.'  The ones that I am describing now are the ones where everything is unhappy and stressed.  My mind, my body, my spirit, my soul, everything, tutto.  My whole self is just in agony.  And music really helps to orientate all of me.  It's almost like, at these times, music is the drug that gets me going.  I seriously can remember specific moments where I experienced this.

Also, I am super sensitive - not necessarily a bad thing - to my senses, except for the 'I'm here and alive' one.  Ha ha.  Probably the most important one.  Like, colors, words, the way the things are done, the order of things, like words and letters and music, pictures, timing, all of that has to be just right and if it doesn't agree with me then I have to change it right away.

It's also interesting that if I can't get something right, either expressing what's going on (and expressing here is just with myself, not with anyone because otherwise I think I would go ballistic!) OR trying to receive the correct intake of stimuli  I get super irritated - which doesn't help with my high sensitivity.

I can feel myself calming down now ... and getting back to my normal functioning self.  Phew.  Deep sigh.  Breathe.  In and out ... in and out ... in and out ....

Also language is important.  Right now I'm feeling much calmer, but still a little crazy/fragile.  And on my play list is a group of young Italian men who sing opera.  And simply listening to the sounds that come from their mouth - which is very different from American English - is soothing, but also complementary to my being and soul and voice.  (Voice meaning internal voice, not the physical spoken voice.)

It's amazing to me how connected we are to ... everything.  And in moments like this, while it VERY frustrating, it also helps me to see how sensitive we really are.  Like, just looking at different pictures of people and scenery also ... okay, I have no words for what I'm trying to say, so I will insert a picture and try my best to describe what I'm feeling.

Sometimes we have to change our frequency and music helps me do that.

Also, there are words that I have to just actually say otherwise my whole being gets frustrato and irritated.  It's like licking paint.  Okay, I know that makes NO SENSE, but those are the words my self is commanding me to type/write.

First I need the actual music to bring myself back to earth. Then the lyrics/words are more welcome in my realm.

Okay, this symbol ... you know what?  I still don't know how to describe and frankly I've moved on from the wanting to describe.  So, just enjoy the symbol and maybe it will speak to you the way it speaks to me.

Learning From The Dhammapada

I was typing something on facebook, trying to convey an experience I was in the moment of. It was difficult to find the right words.  And then I remembered why.  Something I had just read an hour or so ago from The Dhammapada.  It was back in the notes section, under chapter 3. The Mind.

First,from The Dhammapada, verses 36 and 37:

The mind, hard to see, 

Subtle - alighting where it wishes - 

The sage protects,

The watched mind brings happiness

Far-ranging, solitary,

Incorporeal and hidden

Is the mind

Those who restrain it

Will be freed from Mara's bonds.

Now from the notes section:

37. Ekacaram, here translated as "solitary," literally means "walking or roaming alone."  Using later Buddhist theories of mind, the DhpA commentary explains that consciousness occurs singularly, meaning no two conscious states occur simultaneously.  Another possible explanation for the solitary nature of the mind is that a person's consciousness does not directly touch or interact with someone else's consciousness.

Guhasayam, (literally "lying in a cave") is translated here as "hidden." In addition to meaning "a cave," guha can refer to any hiding place.  The DhpA explains that the cave refers to the heart as the seat of consciousness and to the body made up of the four physical elements (earth, water, heat, and wind).

And I realized that that's why it was so difficult - my consciousness was having an experience that no one else was having.

Just thought I would share a bit of my learning, experience, and knowledge with y'all tonight.

Every Day

I haven't written on here for quite a while. I am managing another blog, The Gratitude Project, which is an everyday thing.  Granted, it's not that difficult, I just express my gratitude for the day.  Each and every day.  Anyways, I thought that I ought to continue this blog and practice my writing.

I really do enjoy writing.  I want to be a published writer.  That is one of my goals.  But in order for me to be so, I need to write and practice writing, each and every day.  One does not acquire their dreams simply by wishing for them.  They must work hard, each and every day.  And they must sacrifice little things and big things to reach their goals.

I've been really lazy for many years now.  I've thought and fantasied too much about the outcome, what life will be like when I'm there, when I've reached the end. But life is now and it's not going to give me what I want until I do something to show how much I want it.

Joy comes from the the journey; this blog is entitled Our Journey Towards Eternal Life.  I'm focusing too much on eternal life and not the journey. But I am changing that.  Slowly, but surely, while I pay for my past mistakes and silly notions.

It matters to me a little that people read my writing.  I believe that I have a voice, a perspective that is unique and individual to the world and I want to share it with everyone.  But in the meantime, I will not let it matter to me too much who reads my writings because I am needing the practice and the discipline to write every day.

What I really want most is to be a published writer.  That's what I want.  Why is it so hard for me to admit it to myself and accept it?  Because I listen to the lies and opinions of others.  You can tell me that I won't succeed, but you don't know my determination, my stubbornness for when I really want something.  I will do almost anything to get what I want, what I really want.  And what I really want is to write and be published.