I've been in the Orem/Provo area for the past two weeks and it has been pretty crazy. There have been so many emotions and feelings going on inside of me that I do not know what to do with myself. It's also been hard because I currently am homeless and I have been living out of my suitcases, not that that's bad, but there is so much junk in the house that it is suffocating me. Seriously. I used to be a pack rat but now I loathe junk and stuff. I have been losing things and I am always forgetting EVERYTHING!!! I even lost my missionary tag - the one I wore from day 1 in the MTC to the day that I was released by my stake president in Iowa. It's weird because it doesn't really bother me but maybe it will once I leave tomorrow for school. I don't know how to be, what to do, what to say. I am excited that I am leaving for school tomorrow with Dad. And my friend Trenton will be up there too and it will be so great to see a familiar face and a good friend. It will be nice to breathe and smell the fresh air and to just be me, Megan. I want to cry to get out all these emotions and feelings. I did cry a little bit last night and then I had my first good night's rest. And I haven't been eating that well. I haven't been eating fruits and vegetables. I haven't been studying or reading the scriptures or praying and all of this is starting to catch up on me and is affecting me. I feel really great when I am with Sade. She is my buddy. I love her so much and I will miss her so much when I go to school but it will be all right.

For the past few hours I have been listening to music and editing my play list for this very blog. Music really helps me. Helps me express myself, sort out my feelings, to really, feel these feelings. It's hard to explain.

What if you couldn't feel? What do all these feelings mean? Can you imagine if you couldn't feel sad, happy, angry, sorrowful, cheery? What do you do with yourself?

I woke up and it was all a dream...

Ok, so yesterday I woke up from this madness nightmare I was living in. It took watching a true story on animal planet, where this guy was swimming in a lake and was attacked by an alligator and he was fighting for his life in the water. Meanwhile, his friends called an ambulance and a helicopter was flying in for him. In the end, he lost part of his left arm. He said something that really hit me: You can't see yourself with limitations. He uses a fake arm and he can still do everything he did before the alligator attack. That really got me thinking. He was fighting for his LIFE. I suffer from depression and it's just probably as bad as I make it out to be. Meaning, I am the one in control and I am the one who decides if I am depressed or not. I think that I have been using depression like a crutch. God gave me wings to fly, not to crouch low and hide behind my old, ragged, smelly, gray, soft blanket of depression that is smothering me. I don't like it, but it's comfortable and familiar. It's scary to push it away and take a RISK and FLY. But that's exactly what I need to do and must do.

Hey, yesterday I just had a bad day.

from the mind of mEgAn

I'm screaming out loud for help but....

Yesterday I was feeling really low and depressed. I didn't do much yesterday and I beat myself up for that. Most of the day, I sat on the bathroom floor, with the stereo on the toilet, listening to music while I 'clipped' more like butchered my toenails. When Dad came home we ate dinner and then I had the energy and motivation to start packing for school. After awhile I got distracted looking at some books that I had brought up from downstairs. I started doing some other nervous/anxiety habits. I started feeling down again. I wanted to cry. I texted Emily and expressed some of my feelings.

I'm nervous. I'm a little depressed. My facebook status says: I'm screaming out loud for help but no one can hear me. Maybe I'll write a song.

It seems like lately I've been having lots of pity parties. I'm up then down. Up then down. Over and over again. I beat myself up. I try to seek help but every one is too busy to hear me cry, to see the blood that is flowing so freely from the wounds that I have made, to hold me close and just BE and LOVE. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Why can't people understand that I need help? I'm screaming out loud for help but no one can hear me.

It seems like poetry is flowing so easily from my lips

Distorted Images

Yesterday I was feeling really low and depressed. I didn't do much yesterday and I beat myself up for that. Most of the day, I sat on the bathroom floor, with the stereo on the toilet, listening to music while I 'clipped' more like butchered my toenails. When Dad came home we ate dinner and then I had the energy and motivation to start packing for school. After awhile I got distracted looking at some books that I had brought up from downstairs. I started doing some other nervous/anxiety habits. I started feeling down again. I wanted to cry. I texted Emily and expressed some of my feelings. My words were like poetry of a depressed soul. She called me and we talked for nearly two hours. Adam and Jenny also helped me out a lot. I cried on the phone and they listened. They are so great. Then we laughed and by the time I hung up (laying in bed, about to fall asleep) I was feeling much, much, much better. In our two-hour conversation, Emily mentioned about service dogs for people with depression. I really liked what she said. So this morning, I got on line and did some basic research. Just thinking about it makes me feel happy and excited and motivated. I found this awesome website. Check it out here. I really hope that I can do this. Wish me luck!

Thoughts and Ideas from the mAnIaC mInD of mEgAn

Reality check - I think?

NOW my music is working. I wanted to listen to it ALL day but something was wack and it wasn't working. And now it is but I am going downstairs to watch my movie. What a tragic life - and there are people dying in Africa. I ought to be grateful. I am. I am grateful for this beautiful music that I have, to listen to and to enjoy. I love everything about life. I love God.

A bit of Megan tonight

I just finished my FASFA application. That is a relief! I am also biting my fingernails and emailing missionary friends in Italy, and wasting time on stupid facebook - curse that web page! - wanting to go downstairs to work on some stuff while I watch "Return to Me." I wish I could watch LOTR, but we do not have it. This isn't much of a blog entry, but that's ok.

Until next time this is,

Thoughts from the MiNd of mEgAn

Life-Impaired

Well I have been home for just about a week. I AM suffering from culture shock and I am just getting over jet lag - let's hope so anyways - I feel life-impaired and I miss la mia Italia! I will most definitely have to return to my beloved country soon, hopefully next year. Well, I better go now and get on with cleaning out my life.

Reporting LIVE from Davenport, Iowa

Megan DeVocht