A Shot of Sorrow

It's been awhile since I've posted, but lately I have felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings about my current situation; you know, it helps to get it all out, even if no one ever reads this, it's therapeutic for me.

I decided to move home, back to Iowa and I'm here now; living with Mom and Dad and working at my old job, Subway, making sandwiches and doing other fun tasks for 40 hours a week. I enjoy work, though lately it's been pretty stressful.  I'm thinking about working at nights instead of my current shift which is 11-7.

When I moved home this time, I really recognized that I gave up some of my freedoms, from living on my own to living with the folks again.  I do enjoy being with Mom and Dad, but sometimes I feel like they expect too much or just don't allow me to be me.  Sometimes I just need and want a day to myself, hiding in my bedroom, with my computer and staying in my pajama's all day and not really eating anything and crying if I want to.  A lot of times, when I choose to be by myself, it's a time for me to recharge, to not have to look nice or be nice or work at doing anything, but just being me and letting all the emotions out, like vomit, as gross as that may seem.

I'm almost 26 years old, I can make my own decisions.  Mom has reminded at least twice today that I need to do my laundry.  I'll do it when I want to, not when my mother tells me to - and I don't say that in a prideful or arrogant way - just that if I choose to do my laundry at ten at night, where's the harm in that?

I am a sensitive person, meaning, I feel a lot, and it's not always my feelings, and a lot of times, I just need a break from everything.  Which is why I love getting wrapped up in a fun TV show, where I can be in someone else's world for awhile; or playing a fun computer game whilst listening to music; or writing out the music in my heart through letters and words.

My mom expects me to do things on my day off: laundry, help Dad with the yard work, get dressed, eat.  I'm sorry Mom, I just can't do some of those things today and I don't want to and I just need some time alone.

Earlier she asked if I was okay, I said yes, I just want to be alone.  I think sometimes as humans we think that when someone says they want to be alone we automatically think that they're depressed or mad at someone, but the truth is, we don't know what's going on inside of them, we don't know what this time alone means to them.  We can't judge.  We can only love.

I'm not so much depressed as I am just going through some emotions which I don't want the whole world to know about, or really even my mom.  Just me and computer.

It feels good just to be and not have anyone waiting on you.  I don't want to help my dad with yard work today, not because I don't want to help him, but because today is my lazy day to sit in my room and think and express and not get out of my pj's.  Maybe I'll feign sleep.  I could use a nap anyways.

Eating Problem

I've been thinking a lot about so many different things these past few weeks.  I'm going through a really difficult trial right now; some days are better and 'easier' than others.  Just now I was thinking what I could do to help others even in this difficult time.  I decided that I would blog about my experiences and share them with anyone who comes upon this blog.

Okay, I have a problem with food.  I don't eat.  I starve myself a lot.  I'm not anorexic though; sometimes I eat, but it's mostly junk.  Sugar highs or starving.  Last week I met with a nutritionist and I'm also meeting with a counselor every other week.

For years I have had these bad habits, now I am finally choosing and consciously deciding to eat.  It is so hard.  My body isn't used to having real food in it and sometimes it freaks out.  Sometimes I have pain in my body and sometimes I have anxiety.

This last week was the first week where I was aware and consciously making decisions to eat.  Yesterday was a really good day. I mean, it was hard, but I felt so good.  I felt whole and complete and I even made myself a delicious chicken dinner.  I really liked the way I felt.  It's been years since I have felt that way.

Today has been a lot harder.  I didn't even go to class, even though I only had one, in the middle of the day.  I feel really sad today.  I am crying a lot.  But it is good to get all this negative energy and wrong beliefs out of my body, soul, and mind.

It's been really hard for me to eat today.  My stomach feels full, but I know I need to eat.  I tried taking two vitamins today, but my body wouldn't let me. Or maybe it was my mind, I"m not sure.  I felt really emotionally and mentally spent around noon.  And about 45 minutes ago, I took a short nap.  I listened to beautiful music and laid down and let the world escape from me.  I set an alarm, but I woke up before that.  I am starting to listen to my body more and more. It knows what it needs and wants.

I am so grateful for this trial in my life at this moment of time right now.  Even though I feel it takes up most of my mental and emotional energy, I am still grateful for it. I am looking forward to when school is done and I can rest and work through this.

School really isn't a priority in my life right now; I've been having such a hard time doing my homework and going to class.  Three more weeks left of school, then freedom!

I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life; they help me so much.  I am most grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He has already been through exactly what I am going through, so I know that He understands and I know that He is there.

Something that is really cool about all of this is that I've always struggled with studying my scriptures.  Sometimes I'm good for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, then I fall back down and don't study or read them for a long time.  But now that I am consciously choosing to eat I am also consciously choosing to study the scriptures.

I really feel that scripture study and eating going hand in hand.  I've struggled with both for most of my life and I know it's not a coincidence.  I'm studying the scriptures now because I want to, just like I want to eat, although eating is harder for me.

I'm starting to listen, really listen to my body and heart and soul.  It first started with my heart.  I started listening to it more and following what it told me to do even if it was scary or I was uncertain of it.  Now I'm listening to my body and doing what it tells me to do.

Listening, I don't think we do enough of it.  Do we really listen to our friends when they tell us the lows and highs of their day?  Or are we just hearing and nodding our head while thinking about all the homework we have to do or what fun thing we're going to do next?

Listen, really take time and effort and brain power, yes, it takes energy and brain power to listen, and listen to someone.  Hear what they're not saying because we do it all the time.  Every one wants to be loved and feel loved.  You can do that by really listening to them.  Do it, it will make them smile and it will make you smile.

I'm feeling a lot better.  Thanks for listening to me :)  I love you
Love, Megan :)

P.S. If anyone has a cool or better name for my eating problem, please make a comment and suggest it, thanks :)

"Enchanted April"

It's been awhile since I've written on here or even in my personal journal, but tonight has been an enchanted night, most indeed.
I went and saw a play at my school, BYU-Idaho, "Enchanted April." It's about four English ladies, two that are married, and two widows, who go to Italy for the month of April for a holiday (vacation) to get away from their husbands. It was most lovely.

The whole time I felt time had escaped me. I was in the moment, but in another reality; in the reality of the play, though fictitious, yet real at the same time.

I dreamed of traveling to Italy, of living in Italy. Going to plays and theater performances, and integrating myself into the history, art, culture and everything, of Italy.

Quotes

These are the words of someone else who wishes to remain anonymous.

"Just because something stands out doesn't mean it's in the wrong place. Just because you are different from everyone around you doesn't mean you are in the wrong place; you are right where you belong."

"Our mistakes do not define us, it's how we choose to view ourselves regardless of our mistakes that we define ourselves."

"When you believe in yourself you will do wonderful things. When you believe in yourself it means you are becoming great. Because believing in yourself is acknowledging the greatness in you."

Sono cosi benedetta

Sono grata per le lingue. Sono grata per il mio desidero a imparare, studiare, parlare, scrivere e communicare nelle altre lingue. No posso esprimermi bene come mi sento, ma mi sento propio benedetta, cosi tanto. E amo tantissimo le lingue straniere. E' como provo una parte de me nelle altre lingue :) E per questo sono molto grata.

Vorrei communicare piu nelle altre lingue. E' intersante a me, per questo semestre, studio spagnolo e il mio desidero a studiare Italiano cresce. Mi piacciono tutte due delle lingue.

Va bene, vado adesso; soltanto voleveo espirmere i miei sentimenti e le benedezioni Dio mi da. Buona Domenica a tutti!

Pray Often

Okay, so the title of this blog is Our Journey Towards Eternal Life. I got this title from a CES fireside and I knew that it would be the perfect title. I've also noticed that I haven't really written a lot of things that I think would do with the title of this blog; so I am resolving to do that. I want to share and express more of the positive experiences of my life. If I'm going to put something on the world wide web, I might as well put something positive and uplifting, something that can help and inspire others.

This scripture in the Book of Mormon was in our bulletin last week for church and I would like to share it with you.

"And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord: wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things." (1 Nephi 17:3)

I feel that this is happening to me as well. And it's so amazing how you feel when you do talk with the Lord often and you share with Him everything about your life; your weaknessess, your strengths, your sins, your righteousness, everything. And He will show unto you great things, Maybe these great things are just for you, how your life can be great, how great you are, in the eyes of God. Keep your chin up and be believing in Christ. He is your Savior and your Advocate with the Father. He is pleading for your case. Love and trust Him; He loves and trusts you.

Thankful

I am thankful for early morning Spanish class. I am thankful for going to devotional with a friend. I am thankful for being in school. I am thankful for inspiring music that motivates me. I am thankful for money. I am thankful for doing most of my homework today. I am grateful for my mom. I am thankful for my younger sister. I am thankful for this time to make decisions. I am thankful for the temple and I am thankful that I am so close to it. I am thankful for the Spirit. I am thankful for friends. I am thankful for a short well-needed nap. I am thankful for food.