Eating Problem

I've been thinking a lot about so many different things these past few weeks.  I'm going through a really difficult trial right now; some days are better and 'easier' than others.  Just now I was thinking what I could do to help others even in this difficult time.  I decided that I would blog about my experiences and share them with anyone who comes upon this blog.

Okay, I have a problem with food.  I don't eat.  I starve myself a lot.  I'm not anorexic though; sometimes I eat, but it's mostly junk.  Sugar highs or starving.  Last week I met with a nutritionist and I'm also meeting with a counselor every other week.

For years I have had these bad habits, now I am finally choosing and consciously deciding to eat.  It is so hard.  My body isn't used to having real food in it and sometimes it freaks out.  Sometimes I have pain in my body and sometimes I have anxiety.

This last week was the first week where I was aware and consciously making decisions to eat.  Yesterday was a really good day. I mean, it was hard, but I felt so good.  I felt whole and complete and I even made myself a delicious chicken dinner.  I really liked the way I felt.  It's been years since I have felt that way.

Today has been a lot harder.  I didn't even go to class, even though I only had one, in the middle of the day.  I feel really sad today.  I am crying a lot.  But it is good to get all this negative energy and wrong beliefs out of my body, soul, and mind.

It's been really hard for me to eat today.  My stomach feels full, but I know I need to eat.  I tried taking two vitamins today, but my body wouldn't let me. Or maybe it was my mind, I"m not sure.  I felt really emotionally and mentally spent around noon.  And about 45 minutes ago, I took a short nap.  I listened to beautiful music and laid down and let the world escape from me.  I set an alarm, but I woke up before that.  I am starting to listen to my body more and more. It knows what it needs and wants.

I am so grateful for this trial in my life at this moment of time right now.  Even though I feel it takes up most of my mental and emotional energy, I am still grateful for it. I am looking forward to when school is done and I can rest and work through this.

School really isn't a priority in my life right now; I've been having such a hard time doing my homework and going to class.  Three more weeks left of school, then freedom!

I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life; they help me so much.  I am most grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He has already been through exactly what I am going through, so I know that He understands and I know that He is there.

Something that is really cool about all of this is that I've always struggled with studying my scriptures.  Sometimes I'm good for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, then I fall back down and don't study or read them for a long time.  But now that I am consciously choosing to eat I am also consciously choosing to study the scriptures.

I really feel that scripture study and eating going hand in hand.  I've struggled with both for most of my life and I know it's not a coincidence.  I'm studying the scriptures now because I want to, just like I want to eat, although eating is harder for me.

I'm starting to listen, really listen to my body and heart and soul.  It first started with my heart.  I started listening to it more and following what it told me to do even if it was scary or I was uncertain of it.  Now I'm listening to my body and doing what it tells me to do.

Listening, I don't think we do enough of it.  Do we really listen to our friends when they tell us the lows and highs of their day?  Or are we just hearing and nodding our head while thinking about all the homework we have to do or what fun thing we're going to do next?

Listen, really take time and effort and brain power, yes, it takes energy and brain power to listen, and listen to someone.  Hear what they're not saying because we do it all the time.  Every one wants to be loved and feel loved.  You can do that by really listening to them.  Do it, it will make them smile and it will make you smile.

I'm feeling a lot better.  Thanks for listening to me :)  I love you
Love, Megan :)

P.S. If anyone has a cool or better name for my eating problem, please make a comment and suggest it, thanks :)