Enjoy your little changes

We have good days and we have off days.  When we experience off days we need not be ashamed for what we are feeling or what we are not doing.  Every now and again we need a day to be a mess, to feel like crap, to hide away from the world. These days humble us.  They also remind us that we are humans - I think sometimes we forget.
For example; today I did not start off that well.  I ate homemade peanut butter cups and talked with my sister for an hour and a half.  I didn't eat much else the rest of the day.  While looking for a job as well as doing a million other things as usual, I started to feel anxiety.  I started listening to thunderstorm and rain tracks on youtube to help calm me down.  My sister reminded me I can't make excuses so I did my laundry.  Then I went from having anxiety to being depressed.  I drank a protein shake and actually sent my resume to some employers.  A few hours went by and I remembered it was our Ward Christmas activity tonight.  I got dressed, put on my black work shoes that sort of look like Chuck's, brushed my teeth, and worked on my hair.  Usually, I don't fuss too much about my crazy.  But tonight, I wanted to look good.  So I worked with my hair for awhile and didn't make it to the activity.  But that didn't stop me from feeling good about myself or being happy still.  I took pictures of myself and enjoyed being me.  The two things that made a huge different in how I felt about myself were the shoes and doing my hair.  The shoes look good - I just need to clean them.  And putting 50 (give or take) bobby pins in my hair really changed the way I look and the way I feel about myself.  The shoes.  That is the one that surprises me the most, yet also makes me the most happy.

A Flabbergast Mix of Nonsensical Ideas, Images, and Thoughts - Take Your Pick!

Sometimes I listen to music for entertainment purposes, sometimes for the lyrics or words or messages that are there; other times I have to listen to it for my soul and body.  Like right now, for some reason, I am feeling off and there are certain songs on my play list, including Christmas songs, in which I can literally feel the vibrations in my body.  Some songs are very helpful and others are just whatever, but not good enough for right now.  My literal heart, not figuratively, but my actual blood-pumping heart lets me know when a song just doesn't sit well with me and when it's the right song to listen to; or rather, which vibrations are needed in this moment of time.
Also the volume of the music is very crucial.  It has to be louder, with a heavy bass and a constant bass; a heavier song than light.  Meaning, not those airy hip-hop songs, but I guess music that has real feeling and depth in it.  Almost like the musician has literally - but figuratively at the same time - put their soul into the music.

I have experienced this many times:  when I'm having a particular stressful and hard day.  I've also noticed that I can and have had different types and varies of 'stressful and hard days.'  The ones that I am describing now are the ones where everything is unhappy and stressed.  My mind, my body, my spirit, my soul, everything, tutto.  My whole self is just in agony.  And music really helps to orientate all of me.  It's almost like, at these times, music is the drug that gets me going.  I seriously can remember specific moments where I experienced this.

Also, I am super sensitive - not necessarily a bad thing - to my senses, except for the 'I'm here and alive' one.  Ha ha.  Probably the most important one.  Like, colors, words, the way the things are done, the order of things, like words and letters and music, pictures, timing, all of that has to be just right and if it doesn't agree with me then I have to change it right away.

It's also interesting that if I can't get something right, either expressing what's going on (and expressing here is just with myself, not with anyone because otherwise I think I would go ballistic!) OR trying to receive the correct intake of stimuli  I get super irritated - which doesn't help with my high sensitivity.

I can feel myself calming down now ... and getting back to my normal functioning self.  Phew.  Deep sigh.  Breathe.  In and out ... in and out ... in and out ....

Also language is important.  Right now I'm feeling much calmer, but still a little crazy/fragile.  And on my play list is a group of young Italian men who sing opera.  And simply listening to the sounds that come from their mouth - which is very different from American English - is soothing, but also complementary to my being and soul and voice.  (Voice meaning internal voice, not the physical spoken voice.)

It's amazing to me how connected we are to ... everything.  And in moments like this, while it VERY frustrating, it also helps me to see how sensitive we really are.  Like, just looking at different pictures of people and scenery also ... okay, I have no words for what I'm trying to say, so I will insert a picture and try my best to describe what I'm feeling.

Sometimes we have to change our frequency and music helps me do that.

Also, there are words that I have to just actually say otherwise my whole being gets frustrato and irritated.  It's like licking paint.  Okay, I know that makes NO SENSE, but those are the words my self is commanding me to type/write.

First I need the actual music to bring myself back to earth. Then the lyrics/words are more welcome in my realm.

Okay, this symbol ... you know what?  I still don't know how to describe and frankly I've moved on from the wanting to describe.  So, just enjoy the symbol and maybe it will speak to you the way it speaks to me.

Learning From The Dhammapada

I was typing something on facebook, trying to convey an experience I was in the moment of. It was difficult to find the right words.  And then I remembered why.  Something I had just read an hour or so ago from The Dhammapada.  It was back in the notes section, under chapter 3. The Mind.

First,from The Dhammapada, verses 36 and 37:

The mind, hard to see, 

Subtle - alighting where it wishes - 

The sage protects,

The watched mind brings happiness

Far-ranging, solitary,

Incorporeal and hidden

Is the mind

Those who restrain it

Will be freed from Mara's bonds.

Now from the notes section:

37. Ekacaram, here translated as "solitary," literally means "walking or roaming alone."  Using later Buddhist theories of mind, the DhpA commentary explains that consciousness occurs singularly, meaning no two conscious states occur simultaneously.  Another possible explanation for the solitary nature of the mind is that a person's consciousness does not directly touch or interact with someone else's consciousness.

Guhasayam, (literally "lying in a cave") is translated here as "hidden." In addition to meaning "a cave," guha can refer to any hiding place.  The DhpA explains that the cave refers to the heart as the seat of consciousness and to the body made up of the four physical elements (earth, water, heat, and wind).

And I realized that that's why it was so difficult - my consciousness was having an experience that no one else was having.

Just thought I would share a bit of my learning, experience, and knowledge with y'all tonight.

Every Day

I haven't written on here for quite a while. I am managing another blog, The Gratitude Project, which is an everyday thing.  Granted, it's not that difficult, I just express my gratitude for the day.  Each and every day.  Anyways, I thought that I ought to continue this blog and practice my writing.

I really do enjoy writing.  I want to be a published writer.  That is one of my goals.  But in order for me to be so, I need to write and practice writing, each and every day.  One does not acquire their dreams simply by wishing for them.  They must work hard, each and every day.  And they must sacrifice little things and big things to reach their goals.

I've been really lazy for many years now.  I've thought and fantasied too much about the outcome, what life will be like when I'm there, when I've reached the end. But life is now and it's not going to give me what I want until I do something to show how much I want it.

Joy comes from the the journey; this blog is entitled Our Journey Towards Eternal Life.  I'm focusing too much on eternal life and not the journey. But I am changing that.  Slowly, but surely, while I pay for my past mistakes and silly notions.

It matters to me a little that people read my writing.  I believe that I have a voice, a perspective that is unique and individual to the world and I want to share it with everyone.  But in the meantime, I will not let it matter to me too much who reads my writings because I am needing the practice and the discipline to write every day.

What I really want most is to be a published writer.  That's what I want.  Why is it so hard for me to admit it to myself and accept it?  Because I listen to the lies and opinions of others.  You can tell me that I won't succeed, but you don't know my determination, my stubbornness for when I really want something.  I will do almost anything to get what I want, what I really want.  And what I really want is to write and be published.  

Be Who YOU Are

Wow what a morning!  On my day off I sleep in only one hour, but that is fine by me.  I studied so much this morning - all sorts of different topics, but mostly numerology.  I studied for about two hours and when I went downstairs to get some breakfast I discovered that I had SO MUCH ENERGY!!!  I feel so intellectual today.

I'm also working on a project - well, I don't know if you could call it a project, but it's something I'm working on to improve in my life.  I realized recently that this current obstacle I am working on has been a crutch, for such a long time.  And in many ways it's been a crutch for other areas of my life that has no need for it.

Any who, I feel so invigorated this day because I'm doing my best today to be my utmost self.  I'm being MEGAN through and through - even if others don't always like it.

It's been comforting to me to hear what my friends are saying about me recently.  Don't worry, they're saying these things to my face.  And I enjoy it because I realize that this is what makes me me and it's what my friends find so attracting in me.

Some of the things they've been saying about me:

You're such a dork and that's why we love you Megan!
You're a nerd
You're a dork and we love you for it

As I type these "out loud"  I am aware that some may think that these are not compliments, but instead insults.  I can assure that they are not the latter.  I know this because I am a dork. Ha ha.  And I love it.  It's okay, I'll be the obnoxious friend but knows when to be serious and understanding.

Yon don't need to label yourself, but you also don't need to be afraid of who you truly are.  That's something that I am learning and as such I am learning to love and accept myself as I am, while working to better myself each and every day.

Writer's Block

This too, was written a few months ago.

writing - where are you? why do i feel blocked like this? why can i not write the feelings of my heart and mind? what is blocking me? Why am I blocking myself/holding myself back???

the Lord has a plan for me. I may not always be able to see how doing something is going to help me or others, but along the journey, the Lord is merciful to reveal this beautiful news to me.

The Lord's way really is the only way to true happiness.

The Thinker

   I wrote this a few months ago and read it and thought, I need to post this.

   The Thinker.  This is how I am a lot, yet people continue to think that I am sad or have fallen back into depression or that I'm becoming a recluse.  Often times I only need a few hours of socializing for me to feel satisfied.  I love people and I have definitely grown a lot and the mission definitely helped me out too.  But due to a certain job loss, I have become burn out with people.  Not friends or family, but anyone else not on my list.  I need time to recharge and refuel myself and I do that best when I am uninterrupted in my bedroom with the Internet, books, movies, journals, music and more to help me along the way (not in that particular order).
   Today I have been very pensive and I absolutely love it.  I am also learning about myself and accepting that I am more introverted than I thought, or rather more introverted than I let myself believe, believing others that being introverted is something that one must overcome, like a lingering disease.  I am learning that it is okay to be introverted, that the world very much needs introverted people to help progress the world.  And to say I must overcome these 'weaknesses' is to say that I must get rid of those obnoxious hands, they really do get in the way of so much.
  Are you saying that I must change who I am because you don't know how to behave around me?  I also think it interesting that extroverts have so much to say about introverts - how they are wrong and whatnot else - when introverts seem to keep to themselves and not put their nose in other people's lives or how they do things or why they do the things they do.