Why, why, why?

I punish myself when I mess up...why? Even Heavenly Father doesn't punish His children when they mess up, so why do I? Heartache and sadness lingers in my heart and soul today...numbness is overcoming me. Cold catches my hands and legs and my mouth is still, no movement allowed. I worry what other people around me may think of me watching TV shows and movies for fun while they are busy at work. Why do I worry myself with these things? Why do I take the responsibility upon myself when it isn't my responsibility? Like today for example: My roommate's alarm went off at like 8 or something, she wasn't waking up, so I turned it off. We both slept way late - I didn't have a class today, so it was no big deal for me - she woke up and was really upset and angry and I pretended to be asleep because I didn't want her to yell at me (you know, it was in the heat of the moment, sometimes it's best to let people just be angry) and she got ready for class and left. I talked to my other roommate and she wondered what was up because this other girl usually isn't like that. I said to her, "what am I suppose to do when she doesn't wake up...wake her up?" She said I should. Well, frankly, it's not my responsibility and I say this because if I think it is my responsibility then I blame myself for what happened or what didn't happen. Then I beat myself up, get depressed, lonely, cold, and punish/sabotage myself. D'agh! I need to work on myself...

I really want to make videos/music videos!!! I hear music and I see movement and it makes so much sense to me and I feel it's my way of expressing myself. But alas, I have no way of producing these magically beauties :( Sad day indeed.

Be Who YOU Are :)

I am a sunflower I will shine my light and let others see and feel the warmth I receive from the Sun, or Son of God, Jesus Christ :) I am happy :)

I wonder if I sometimes feel an attachment to different disorders and what not else is because I need to know how it feels so I can better help them. Not like I have it or I need to have it all of my life to be empathic and help them, like a counselor, but to just get a taste of what it feels like and help them to know that it's ok for them to be this way, for now.

Learning from the past

Ok, so I moved back home to Iowa, living with my parents now, was looking through all my junk last night, and I found this journal entry - yes, I was reading them - and I wanted to share it with all of you because it touched me so and I thought, 'This will be perfect for my blog!' So here it is.

Make Life An Adventure
July 14, 2007 Saturday

It's pretty cool how a movie can just grab you, touch you in so many ways, inspire you to do something more with/in your life, or let you know you're never too old to be young and free and full of imagination. I don't usually cry in a lot of movies, but I did cry, a lot, in the one we just finished watching: Bridge to Terabithia; one of the best movies. It reminds you to "keep your mind wide open, all the possibilities." A few hours ago, the things that were on my mind and the things that I thought mattered to me, don't anymore. I kind of think this is God's way of bringing my mind back in the game. The reason why I'm here. The reason why we're all here: To return to our Father in Heaven. Destination: God's Kingdom. We never know when we're going to go and this earth, this temporary home, has so much to to offer. So many tings to see, places to go, people to meet. We should all look at life as a a grand adventure. Life isn't all that dull that we make it out to be . If we could see the world differently, not taking everything so serious or so literal, life would be grand. Only you can make you're life suck. Only you can believe in yourself and do the impossible. Make life an adventure. Dot he impossible. Be free. Be you.

I really want one of these.

Yikes!

Much has happen and I would love to write a huge entry, but I am at the library and it closes in 3 minutes, so I won't be able to. Sorry :(

Life has been quite interesting, but I am learning to love it and understand that when we take a few steps into the darkness(though it may feel like a lifetime) the Lord truly does bless and He will show us the light that is oh! so beautiful; more than we could possibly imagine.

Well, I must go now, but hopefully I will be on here again very soon and updating my blog more often.

Love to you all,
Megan aka Pepper (Ann)